R U OK? Day: Supporting children experiencing bullying

R U OK? Day is a timely reminder that supporting children experiencing bullying can begin with something as simple as asking, “Are you okay?” But for parents, the question is only the beginning. Building an environment where children feel safe to answer honestly, talk about difficult experiences and ask for help is just as important.

Have you ever asked your child how they are going and received an automatic, “Yeah, I’m fine,” even when you suspect something isn’t quite right?

We all have days when things feel a little harder. Sometimes children know exactly what is bothering them, while at other times they may struggle to put their feelings into words. For some children, talking about their emotions comes easily. For others, particularly those who are more sensitive, quiet or anxious, saying “I’m not okay” can take considerable courage.

As parents, it can be difficult to know what is happening beneath the surface. A child may not tell you that they are worried about something at school, having difficulties with friendships or being targeted by another student. They may not even recognise their experience as bullying.

That is why regular, genuine check-ins matter. They help build the trust and connection that can make it easier for children to speak up when something isn’t right.

Bullying doesn’t always look the way we expect

Bullying doesn’t always leave a visible mark, and children don’t always respond to it in obvious ways.

Being laughed at, left out, repeatedly teased, called names, threatened, targeted online or deliberately embarrassed can affect a child’s confidence and wellbeing. Even when someone says, “It was only a joke,” the child on the receiving end may not feel that way.

And not every child reacts to bullying in the same way.

One child might become angry or frustrated. Another might laugh along with the people around them, even though they are hurt. Someone else might become unusually quiet, withdraw from friends, avoid school, worry about what others think or find it difficult to concentrate.

Parents may notice changes before their child explains what is happening. A child who is usually enthusiastic about school might become reluctant to attend. They may spend more time alone, become upset after using their phone, seem unusually anxious or experience changes in their mood.

These signs don’t necessarily mean a child is being bullied, but they can be an invitation to check in.

Being sensitive is not a weakness

Some children are particularly sensitive to criticism, conflict or changes in friendships. They may notice things that others don’t, pick up on someone’s tone of voice, recognise when a friend is upset or think deeply about things that have happened.

These qualities can be strengths. Sensitive children may demonstrate empathy, thoughtfulness and a strong awareness of the people around them. However, they may also find that unkind words or difficult experiences stay with them for a long time.

It can be tempting to encourage a child to “toughen up” or not let things bother them. But dismissing their feelings can make it harder for them to seek help in the future.

Being sensitive is not a weakness, and a child’s feelings should not be dismissed simply because another person might have responded differently.

For parents, one of the most valuable things we can do is help children understand that their feelings are real and that they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

Helping your child feel safe enough to speak up

One of the biggest challenges when supporting children experiencing bullying is that they may be worried about what will happen if they tell someone. They might be thinking:
“What if they find out I told?”
“What if nobody believes me?”
“Maybe I’m making too much of it.”
“Maybe I should just ignore it.”

These concerns can make it difficult for children to speak openly, even when they need help.

Parents can help by making it clear that talking about a problem will not result in blame or disappointment. Rather than immediately trying to solve the problem, start by listening and acknowledging what your child is telling you. You might say:
“I’m glad you told me.”
“That sounds difficult.”
“I can understand why that upset you.”
“You don’t have to work this out on your own.”
“Let’s work out what we can do together.”

Your child may not be ready to tell you everything at once, and that’s okay. Sometimes a conversation needs to happen in small steps.

If talking face-to-face feels difficult for your child, they may find it easier to write something down, send a message or talk while doing another activity together. What matters most is creating opportunities for communication without making them feel pressured to find the “right” words.

Even a simple statement such as, “Something has been happening at school and I don’t know what to do,” can be an important starting point.

What if your child sees someone else being bullied?

Supporting children isn’t only about helping them when they are directly affected by bullying. Children may also find themselves watching a friend or classmate being left out, teased or targeted.

They may notice hurtful comments, see someone sitting alone or come across unkind behaviour online.

Parents can help children understand that they don’t have to confront the person doing the bullying, particularly if doing so could put them at risk. Instead, they can take safe and supportive steps, such as:

Checking in privately and asking, “Are you okay?”
Including the student or inviting them to join in.
Telling a trusted adult what they have noticed.
Not laughing, joining in or sharing hurtful posts.
Avoiding comments or actions online that encourage the behaviour.
Letting the person know they don’t have to deal with it alone.

Sometimes children worry that speaking up will make things worse or that they will be labelled a “dobber”. Parents can reinforce the idea that telling a trusted adult when someone is being harmed is not about getting someone into trouble – it is about helping keep people safe.

What if your child is the one doing the bullying?

When we talk about bullying, it is natural for parents to think first about protecting their child from being hurt. But sometimes, parents may need to consider another difficult possibility: what if their child is the one engaging in bullying behaviour?

This can be confronting. No parent wants to believe their child could deliberately hurt, exclude or embarrass another person. But recognising concerning behaviour early gives families an opportunity to address it, understand what may be behind it and help their child make better choices.

Bullying can take many forms, including repeatedly excluding someone, making hurtful comments, spreading rumours, threatening others, encouraging others to join in or targeting someone online. Sometimes children may dismiss their behaviour by saying “I was only joking”, “Everyone was doing it” or “They didn’t care.”

These responses don’t necessarily mean a child is deliberately trying to cause harm. Children and young people are still developing their understanding of social situations, empathy and consequences. However, it is important that they learn to recognise when behaviour has crossed the line from having fun into hurting someone.

Parents might notice changes such as their child frequently talking negatively about another student, encouraging friends to exclude someone, sharing unkind content online, appearing to enjoy another child’s embarrassment, or repeatedly insisting that someone else is “the problem.”

None of these signs on their own prove that a child is bullying someone, but they can be an opportunity for a calm conversation.

How to broach the subject with your child

Rather than immediately labelling your child as a “bully,” try to understand what has happened and encourage them to consider the impact of their actions. You might ask:

“How do you think they felt when that happened?”
“What do you think the situation looked like from their perspective?”
“Would you be comfortable if that was said about you?”
“What could you do differently next time?”

It is possible to hold children accountable while still making sure they know they are loved and supported. The goal is not to shame them, but to help them understand the impact of their behaviour, take responsibility and learn how to respond differently.

Parents can also work with the school to understand what has happened and determine how best to support everyone involved.

Looking out for each other means being willing to have difficult conversations, even when they involve our own children.

Helping your child manage difficult feelings

Children who feel things deeply may need additional time and support to process upsetting experiences.

When something difficult happens, they may need time to calm down before they are ready to talk. Parents can help by giving them space while also making sure they know that support is available when they are ready.

Simple strategies can include:

• Taking a few slow breaths when they feel overwhelmed.
• Spending time with people who make them feel safe and accepted.
• Taking a break from social media or group chats when they become too much.
• Writing down their feelings when talking feels difficult.
• Reminding them that someone else’s unkind words do not define who they are.
• Encouraging them to talk to a trusted adult, even when they are unsure whether what they are experiencing “counts” as bullying.

Most importantly, try not to be hard on your child for having strong feelings.

They don’t need to pretend something doesn’t hurt simply because another person might not have been bothered by it. Helping children understand and express their emotions is part of building their confidence and giving them the tools to navigate difficult experiences.

Are you okay? is more than a question

Asking “Are you okay?” is an important first step, but what we do afterwards matters even more.

When a child tells us that they aren’t okay, our first instinct may be to fix the problem. Sometimes, however, what they need first is for someone to listen.

We don’t always need the perfect answer. We don’t need to immediately solve everything. Sometimes the most helpful response is simply:

“I’m glad you told me.”
“I’m here with you.”
“That doesn’t sound okay.”
“Let’s find someone who can help.”

Listening without immediately dismissing, judging or minimising a child’s experience can help them feel heard. It also reinforces an important message: when something is wrong, they can come to you.

Creating a culture where children know they are supported

R U OK? Day gives families an opportunity to think about how we check in with the people we care about, but these conversations shouldn’t be limited to one day each year.

For children and young people, knowing they have trusted adults around them can make it easier to speak up when something isn’t right. Just as importantly, learning to notice when someone else may be struggling helps children become more caring and supportive members of their community.

Parents can contribute to this by making conversations about feelings, friendships and wellbeing a normal part of family life. Regularly asking about the good parts of the day, the difficult parts and what is happening in their friendships can make it less daunting to raise a concern when one arises.

The goal isn’t to prevent every difficult experience. It is to make sure children know they don’t have to navigate those experiences alone.

This R U OK? Day, take a moment to check in with the young people in your life.

Ask the question. Listen to the answer. Notice the things they may not be saying.

And if your child is experiencing bullying or struggling with something that is affecting their wellbeing, remind them that they deserve to feel safe, respected and included – and that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.

 

At All Saints Grammar, we recognise that wellbeing is an important part of helping every student become a better person and a better learner. We aim to create a school environment where students feel safe, respected, connected and supported, while working in partnership with families to help young people develop the confidence to speak up, seek help and look out for one another. To learn more about All Saints Grammar download our prospectus.